Wednesday 28 August 2013

Killer of cockroaches.

Yes that's right. I have in the past 2 1/2 weeks killed 15 cockroaches. Drowned them, squished them, sprayed them. trapped them and fed them to the alligator fish...you name it, I've murdered one of the massive buggers that way all with the help of may incredible roommate who suffers from night terrors. The other night I was woken up to the news that there was "a man wearing a mask in the room." W.T. actual F.? I took this news surprisingly well and explored the room reluctantly with sleepy eyes and the light from my phone. Upon inspection there was no man, just a mosquito net. Perhaps it was at one time wearing a mask, but by the time I shined the light its way it had cleverly removed it. She and I are an awesome team though, she gets scared and I sleep through it usually. I really have pity for the poor bastard who takes my place in the room once I've cleared out unless they are a heavy sleeper. She says some insane stuff in the wee hours, but I adore her. Crazy nocturnal behavior and all.

As well as cockroach genocide; I've also been doing other stuff. I've been playing with a parachute, clinging for dear life to the outside of bus doors as we snake through the streets and my butt gets grazed by countless bike's handlebars. I've been doing the Hokey Kokey (Pokey to those of you in the US and those of you who do it RIGHT), I've been being bullied by children and laughed at by adults for no other reason than that I'm white. It's all a bit different, but it's never boring and at times this place feels like home. Hot, sweaty, stinky, crazy home.

My house mother enthralls us with tales of her unhappy marriage and has advised me to get my own "special friend" in Sri Lanka, as going without "the sex" for three months for a married lady is the worst thing she can possibly imagine. Although she herself is not having any of "the sex" with her own husband. Opportunities are rife in Sri Lanka. Not a day goes by when someone doesn't get felt up on the bus or shouted at in the street. The sight of our reflective flesh apparently really does it for them. Porn is very new here and all the porn that they get is western, so they are under the impression that all us white girls are up for it. Even the monk at the temple I teach at is a bit flirty. Naughty monk.

I have become accustomed to the dirt and now eating with my hands is a less messy affair, though now I've gotten a bit complacent. At one point I was using anti-bac every 15 minutes. But now I've gotten a bit slack. Eating without washing your hands here creates the same fear as I imagine having anonymous unprotected sex does (never done it for the record.) At the time you know it's wrong and dangerous, but you're too focused on the joy of the act to pause and potentially ruin the moment and the pleasure. Why stop at a sink that never has any soap? It's more about ritual than practicality then. It's a risky game, this bacterial roulette and every time it happens I spend days wondering what the consequences of my poor hygiene choices might be. Touch wood I've not been sick yet. Or gotten lost. All in all I'm doing OK. In fact I'm doing bloody marvelous. I may just open my own extermination business once I return to the UK.

Sunday 11 August 2013

In 2 weeks it will hit me...

But not yet. I'm not freaking out yet.

Sure, no one was there to get me at the airport. So what?! I threw my hands up, laughed at the sky and after 45 minutes called in the reinforcements (Steve ) for help. But panic I did not! My voice cracked but I did not cry. Even after an hour passed I remained dry-cheeked. This is an accomplishment.

Once collected, the car drive that threatened a premature death with every swerve and honk of the horn was taken in stride. I gripped not the shit-handles or clenched my teeth. I merely surrendered. I almost freaked out, but not yet...

Being escorted into my prison barracks with a single, paper-thin mattress on a dubiously twisty metal frame invoked no anxiety. "Charming!" I screeched as I mentally swept the cobwebs from the ceiling and the bugs from the walls. I have identified 4 kinds of ants in my residence so far; kitchen ants, bathroom ants, table ants and bed ants. But I am not freaking out yet. Not just yet.

Crossing the street with it's choking fart-smelling streets and crazy "get out of my way motherfucker" scooters and buses like a demented Frogger has proven both challenging and rewarding! Every time I make it to the other side I yell in my head "I lived!" No freaking out.

My host family has 5 dogs, 50 roosters and a gigantic alligator fish (yes. it is what you are picturing) that co-habitate with me. They bark, crow and threaten at all hours. They smell and itch and lick in equal proportion but I am not freaking out yet.

My house is shared with 9 other people and my room is shared with 3 of them. None of whom I have met, but apparently they all have an empty water bottle collection and enjoy sprinkling the floor with various food stuffs like wedding confetti. But no one is celebrating. Our communal areas are filled with once lavish furnishings and crawling walls, what I thought was a jar of coffee turned out to be ants. I am the latest contestant on Sri Lanka Survivor and I am not freaking out.

There is no Wifi and no internet without a journey. There is no Facebook and no Blogger and no communication with my husband I can access by craning my head round a door. There is no one here. Not yet. But I am not freaking out.

Currently 4 volunteers are in hospital.

There is no hot water. Anywhere. Ever.

It is horrendously hot. Everywhere. All the time.

No air conditioning anywhere. Ever.

I booked my stay too long for my 90 day visa, so I need to change my flight.

But I'm here. I'm doing it. I can never undo it and I won't regret it. I will learn to love it like a replacement hamster and forget that I ever didn't love it before. I will pilgrimage to beaches and run into the sea. I will put smiles on faces and teach people new things, I will be of use and make myself useful. They say anything worth doing is never easy. One day I will say this was worth it.

But not today. Today I'm freaking out.






Wednesday 7 August 2013

It's been awhile

Hello from sunny, beautiful Thailand! They say one night in Bangkok makes a hard man crumble, well I've had 14 of them and I'm feeling a little crumbly myself. So I have done a little reflecting...

5 things Thailand will teach you

1. This is not your fucking country. Things move slowly here, people don't necessarilly queue up and just because those two things are facts, you can't decide to be a dick to people. No one here is on your schedule. No one here cares what you need to do. They are busy living too and shouldn't we all be a little more considerate of each other? Thailand will teach you patience.

2. You can buy anything in Thailand, but that doesn't mean you have to. Girls, drugs, animals...it all has a price. But think about it. That girl is someone's daughter, those drugs will make you act like an idiot and probably land you in Thai prison and that animal is drugged to fuck. Stop touching it. Thailand will teach you restraint.

3. It's damn hot here! Remember why you escaped your own country? Probably because you were cold! Try to remember that when you are navigating the humid, sulferic, smothering streets and stop pushing people and sweating on them. Relax for a minute and feel how nice the heat is on your pale, western skin. Why are you wearing your Chloe kaftan with your cashmere leggings anyway? That's just idiotic. Thailand will teach you modesty.

4. You will never look as good as the Thais look. Leave your makeup at home, forget your blow-dryer. Bring tinted sunscreen for your face and a lot of hair-ties. Get used to how you look in a ponytail. Jewlery is unnecessarey. You will sweat under it and it will leave what I lovingly call a "sweatlace" on your shirt. Gross. These beautiful Thai women and Ladyboys will make you look stupid. You'll be a graceless, red turnip of a woman hobbling along like a wounded animal on her too-high heels and we will all laugh at you. This is the perfect time for you to buy those harem pants you think are cute, but that you daren't wear in NYC for fear of being laughed at. Wear them here and be a hero! Thailand teaches you confidence in your natural self.

5. Smile for fuck's sake! You're in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Get that judgy, shit-smelling look off your face and give in to the charm of this amazing country. You'll be a better person for it. Thailand teaches you to not take yourself so seriouly.
There are many other fantastic lessons from Thailand, but these are the essentials. Now go pack your bags. I'm waiting for you.