101 things I learned without my mother

101 things I learned without my mother

I’m sure if my Mom was still around I’d have learned these things anyway and undoubtedly more. However, she’s not and hasn’t been for a long time. Today is European Mother’s day, and we are bombarded with images and sentiment that doesn’t apply to many of us. So, for those of us without a matriarch to celebrate today, or for those of you who are raising a child without their Mom, that’s OK. We all end up working things out for ourselves. I’ve been seeing lots of lists pop up from mothers and things they will teach their daughters. Here is a list of things I learned in my formative years without my mom:

1. Don’t be afraid to do well in school.

2. Try harder at school.

3. Set goals and don’t stop until you’ve achieved them.

4. Smoking pot is totally acceptable in your early teens, but never after

5. So is dabbling in witchcraft

6. That game at sleepovers where you make each other pass out is stupid and can cause brain damage.

7. I suck at choreographed dancing, but I’m a killer freestyler.

8. Shame is a waste of thought that could be spent on something else.

9. So is regret. Regret nothing.

10. Boys will call you names. Don’t believe what they say. Those boys are idiots.

11. Take a chance on everything. There is no such thing as a sure thing.

12. Treat yourself often.

13. The hole that pee comes out of is different than the hole the tampon goes into.

14. Taking your temperature in your butt really isn’t any more accurate than taking it in your mouth. Seriously moms, cut this shit out.

15. It doesn’t matter if your outfit matches, the fashion police aren’t real.

16. If you let someone take naked photos of you, keep the negatives.

17. Everyone wants something from you. This isn’t always a bad thing.

18. Be proud of who you are and where you’re from.

19. Fashion is the easiest way to express yourself.

20. Being the topic of conversation isn’t always a bad thing.

21. I can’t fight for shit.

22. One day you’ll be proud when people say you look like your mom/dad.

23. Your body is awesome, even when it isn’t.

24. So is your face.

25. You need to work on yourself every day. You will never be finished.

26. Stop trying to kill yourself. One day it will work and then you’re fucked.

27. If he loves you, he will love all of you. Even your body hair. Unless it’s on your face or nipples, then you’re pushing your luck.

28. Be nice. You don't know everyone's struggle.

29. You can never change anyone. Ever. Don’t even try.

31. The hurt always goes away. At least enough for you to function again. 

30. Listen

31. Learn as much as you can. Never stop wanting to know stuff. 

32. It’s OK to not know what you want to do with your life at 18 or at 65.

33. It’s never OK to be unemployed if you are able bodied.

34. Give more love than you get, it’s not about getting.

35. Masturbation is totally normal and fun.

36. It’s OK to be scared of old people, just don’t ignore them.

37. Never let anyone make you feel bad about your choices.

38. You can feel bad about your own choices, but just choose better next time.

39. Read a lot.

40. Invest in a good winter coat.

41. Manners do not come as standard.

42. Be patient with those who don’t come equipped.

43. Having bad taste in music does not mean you’re not cool.

44. No one thing will ever define you.

45. You have to work for everything you want

46. No one will ever love you as much as you love yourself.

47. Speak loudly and speak often, but don’t speak over anyone.

48. Do better tomorrow.

49. Wear whatever the fuck you want.

50. Never play games with people.

51. If you think people are playing games with you, stop playing.

52. Cut your hair however you want.

53. Take care of your body. You only get one.

54. Get piercings in places that won’t visibly scar in later life.

55. Almost everything can be undone with an apology.

56. It’s only a mistake for as long as it takes you to fix it.

57. Listen

58. Invest in quality underwear.

59. Being judgemental is douchey, but if your friends are being assholes tell them.

60. If they don’t matter to your journey, stop walking with them.

61. Be kind to all animals. Even the ones who look like they are zombies.

62. You don’t need a wedding ring.

63. Family is important, but they may not always be the most important.

64. Travel and be affected by what you see.

65. Target is better than Wall-Mart.

66. Fast food is actually disgusting, unless it’s Taco Bell.

67. Know when to stop trying with people.

68. Do something.

69. If you have extra money, give it away to those who need it more than you.

70. Loneliness has nothing to do with how many friends you have.

71. People will try to make you part of their family, it’s OK to feel weird about that.

72. Wait until your 20’s to have a bunch of irresponsible sex.

73. Red lipstick does not look great on everyone. It can make your teeth look hideously yellow.

74. You will only ever quit smoking when you want to.

75. Always tell the truth. If you accidentally lie, admit it and correct yourself.

76. You don’t have to talk about your emotions, you do have to feel them.

77. Only argue about things really worth arguing about.

78. Don’t begrudge anyone their success, go make you own.

79. Know where you stand.

80. No one is just one thing.

81. You don’t have to have children.

82. Your past does not have to dictate your future.

83. If you love something, do it. You don’t have to be good at it.

84. Leggings are not pants.

85. Never fight over a boy.

86. Moving is not running away.

87. When you visit another country, try to speak the language. TRY.

88. Choose a partner who doesn’t just approve of what you want to do, they encourage it.

89. You do not have to choose just one religion.

90. Always evolve, keep moving.

91. Call your dad every week.

92. Be a feminist and know what that means.

93. Have more jewellery than shoes. Accessories make the outfit. 

94. Keep reaching out to people who are worth the effort. We are all busy.

95. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

96. Someone else’s truth might not be yours, it doesn’t mean they are wrong.

97. Eat well.

98. Learn to love the taste of beer.

99. Stop expecting/wanting people to be more like you.

100. If we all liked the same shit life would be very boring.

101. Everyone on this planet is just trying to do the best that they can. Remember that, but don't expect people to have the same consideration for you. 

I love my mom and I miss her every day. I have no idea if she'd be proud of the person I've become, but I am a part of her and a part of her will always be with me. Her laugh, her smile, the good stuff. I am thankful for the memories and for her all of her amazing words and influence up until the time she got sick. Hug your moms today people, and give her one from me too.

Six reasons why brunch is the best.

Blighty Coffe Blackstock Road

Brunch is a thing in London. Brunch is back in my life and no one is happier about this than I am! As an American living in the UK I have whinged and whined about many things the UK lacks, mostly food related. Until fairly recently the lack of brunch had left muffin-shaped hole in my life, but the times, they are a changing, as too, is my neighborhood and lovely little places for brunch are popping up like magical little mushrooms of joy.

Back in the day, in the good old bible belt of Illinois I used to frequent the champagne brunch at our fanciest local restaurant. You know the place; you celebrated your Bat Mitzvah, sweet 16 and prom there as the rest of the restaurants in your godforsaken town thought that chicken fried steak was gourmet. Anyway, going for brunch here for the first time at 20 was how I knew I was a grown up. A full blown fucking adult who could go to a fancy restaurant, eat nothing but bacon and drink so much cheap champagne at 11:30am that I was vomiting in those fancy, fancy toilets by 4pm. Brunch to me brings back nothing but happy memories, and a touch of indigestion. Brunch is the goddamned best and anyone who says otherwise is just being silly. Here is why:

1. You can slum it. It is totally acceptable to go to brunch in your yoga pants and Uggs. No one will judge you here, not at brunch! Get comfy, sprawl on the sofa and open the paper. Brunch venues just scream 'this is your damn house, too! Relax a little, we're going to serve you alcohol before a socially acceptable hour!' You can feel safe at brunch. No need to remove your sunglasses, no pressure to have had a shower beforehand. Think of brunch as an extension of your own house, but with far superior food that you haven't had to cook. 

2. Brunch food is best food. Is it breakfast? Is it lunch? I can see how our forefathers struggled over this question and birthed brunch as the solution. It's both. I love that you can have all the best breakfast foods, but at a slightly later time. Eggs Benedict or French Toast at noon. Winning!

3. Brunch is reasonably priced. Lunch is always less expensive than dinner, and brunch is no exception. Giant, crimson, fiery Bloody Marys or a glass of sparkling wine make up the bulk of the bill. Fantastic dishes rarely reach the £8 mark at brunch, making it an economical choice if you are trying to spend less in the week.

4. Brunch is baby/child friendly. Brunch is where the 'yummy mummy' brigade convenes. It would be strange to finish brunch and to have not seen a stroller or heard a little voice saying 'but why, mummy?'. More and more my friends with children communicate that they are living a near reclusive lifestyle do to the judgy looks of others at their little bundles if they make noise or do what comes naturally to children whilst out in public. This is, of course, unacceptable, and brunch is one of the only times it is socially OK to see a mum with a cocktail in her hand enjoying herself with her baby present. And I'm not saying it's in any way agreeable that society treats parents like social pariahs, that's just how it seems to be these days. But not at brunch!

5. Brunch is a great meal to eat alone. If all of your friends are MIA head out to brunch by yourself. This is one meal where it is totally OK to bury your head in a newspaper and not make eye contact with anyone. No one need feel awkward enjoying a solitary latte with a portion of pancakes. It feels great. When I moved to NYC I often indulged in a solitary brunch. I felt really sophisticated and continental necking Bloody Marys on Bleeker street sans company.

6. It gets you out of the house on a Sunday. Seriously, wouldn't we all like to linger in bed wallowing in our self-imposed migraines? It sure is easier, but Sundays are precious and so often squandered in this way. Once out for brunch the day usually continues elsewhere, on to other adventures that would never have happened beneath your duvet.

I am so excited to have discovered a few really nice places for brunch in my neighborhood and plan on taking continuous advantage of them. Please come along and join me in my sweatpants.

#nomakeupshutthehellup

People, it's a fucking picture.

The patriarchy did not tell me to take this picture to draw attention to my breasts, nor did I feel immense pressure from my female friends to do so. I support CRUK on a monthly basis. As someone who has lost their mother to cancer I support the shit out of any cause that helps to ensure that same thing doesn't happen to another 14-year-old girl, or a 90-year-old-one. #nomakeup started as a campaign to raise awareness of breast cancer, which a woman is diagnosed with in the UK every 10 minutes. Scary stuff, But it's grown into so much more. I know I texted my donation to CRUK (text BEAT to 70099 to donate £3) as I believe that all cancers deserve equal research and CRUK currently researches the cause and prevention of 75 different cancers. I changed the game, but I wasn't the first. CRUK has seen donations soar and at one time they had raised £2million almost overnight because of this campaign people are so quick to call 'silly' or 'stupid'. 

This campaign isn't for everyone. If you don't have much of a sense sense of humor you will not have gotten involved as you probably take yourself too seriously. That's fine. No one's holding a gun to your head to make you do it, but if you want to bow out, do it gracefully without shitting on everyone who committed. Pontificating from on high is some serious girl-on-girl nastiness that I can't abide. And the men shaming us for our selfies can fuck right off. Those men who have gotten involved taking #fullmakeup selfies are great. Thanks for playing, boys. We should be celebrating the fact that millions of pounds has been raised for a very worthy cause. It's about the result, people. Remember that. The whole point was to raise lots of money for charity. Job done. So why are so many people so angry about it?

This campaign does not 'enforce gender stereotypes'. It's not even about that and people who are hellbent on shaming those of us who have participated can go kick rocks. Keep your money and feel nice and safe in your ivory tower where you can keep speaking out against charities raising money and women's faces. Nice.

Recently the 'cock in a sock' campaign has begun the raise awareness about testicular cancer and I don't hear anyone kicking up nearly as much fuss about that. As per, when boys do something it's cute, but us women, fuck that. 'How bloody dare those women take off tiheir fucking make up and donate money?!' That's SO much more ridiculous than posing naked with a sock on your genitals.

Can I also please point out that men get breast cancer too? So please stop telling me that it's about MY breasts. It's certainly not about MY testes and if your argument is so weak that you actually believe that the #nomakeup campaign is about drawing attention to my breasts to fetishise them, then you certainly have a different way of looking at the world and maybe you need to talk to someone.

There are bigger things in the world to get upset about. Poverty, world hunger, FGM, The fucking Malaysian Airlines plane, etc. My naked face and my motivation for putting it on the internet is not one of them. Calm the fuck down.

Tips for taking the ultimate #makeupfree selfie
1. Take off your make up
2. Find good lighting
4. Pull a face or smile
5. Enjoy it, it's FUN!

Just shoot me.

Normally I'm not one to write about TV shows. Yes, I've been tempted to write about Lena Dunham's body or Zooey Deschanel's blow up doll persona, but so far I have refrained. I want to write about real stuff, but unfortunately in this day and age that is becoming harder, as art imitates life and most times, the other way around too.

I hate horror films. There was a time when I loved them. When me and a prepubescent best friend of mine used to rent the worst, gory films every Sunday like it was church and rub massage oil into each others backs asexually, as he was gay and I wasn't interested. But those days are long behind me. I find violence scary and believe that there is enough bad shit on the news; and for me to choose to watch it for entertainment is slightly psychopathic. I'm a violence avoider. 

However, The Walking Dead shuffled into my life like a lifeless, starving zombie and I haven't been able to stop watching, not matter how badly I've wanted to. Maybe it's the finely crafted characters, or the sheer desperation of the premise that keeps me watching...but mostly I think it's just Darryl. Week after week I snuggle under the covers with Steve and spend half the episode with my hand clamped over my eyes trying to simultaneously not watch and not miss anything.

That said, the most recent episode had me doing more than just shutting my eyes. SPOILER ALERT! I cannot be held responsible if you read further and then hate me.

This last episode illustrated the pure, unbridled hopelessness that infects the bones of these characters. Now I'm sure many of you will think I'm overreacting, but I felt as though the most recent episode of The Walking Dead was a microcosm for how mental illness is treated in today's society and it affected me in a way I am still feeling today. 10-year-old Lizzie was sick. She felt a deep empathy for zombies that she didn't feel for people. She felt connected to the undead in a way that no one understood, and no one really tried to, they only wanted to tell her it was wrong. No one was treating the symptoms, only trying to eradicate the actions of what they saw as the disease without ever understanding her behavior or seeking the origins.

Lizzie's parents were dead. One eaten by a zombie and one killed by a fever. Lizzie had a little sister Mikka who loved an accepted her until the other adults told Mikka that what Lizzie felt was wrong and that Lizzie was sick. Lizzie was systematically isolated by the group which only pushed her further towards the company of the undead. No one listened to Lizzie, so Lizzie had to show them.

The adults knew Lizzie was a danger, not only to herself, but to others. She had led zombies to the gates of the prison, she had lured them from the woods to the steps of her home to 'play' with her, but still the adults left her in charge of her little sister and an infant. Lizzie was not well and everyone knew, but no one listened and no one cared enough to ask. Then Lizzie killed her little sister and this is where I lost my shit. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SEE THIS COMING?! Why were these idiot adults still leaving her in charge and alone with the other children? Lizzie needed help and she deserved more.

As someone who works with people who suffer mental illness, this is far too often the result. The actions of these people are so often ignored until something really bad happens, usually their own suicide and then people shake their heads and congratulate themselves for being strong in this difficult time. Lizzie didn't kill herself, she killed her sister and neither of these little girls is real, but they way Lizzie was treated felt real and it's so terribly disappointing.

The most upsetting thing about this little girl is that everyone around her should have known something like this could happen. She needed supervision and she needed attention. Everyone knew what she was capable of and they ignored it and then when she did what she was always going to do at some point...they EXECUTED her. 'She can't be around people' they said. 'Keep looking at the flowers, Lizze' Carol repeated as she cocked the gun and pulled the trigger. 'She can't be around people.' This statement came from the mouth of the woman who accepted charge of the little girls from their dying father. There was no attempt to help Lizzie. Ever. Just put her down. People like Lizzie are invisible in our society and we treat them like they are disposable. Lizzie was not disposable.

Surveys quickly popped up all over the internet asking if that was the right thing to do and overwhelmingly the answer was 'yes.' NO. That was not the right thing to do. The right thing would have been to try and understand her, to pay her some attention and stop telling her that what she was feeling was wrong. No one listened to Lizzie, so she took matters into her own hands and tried to show them. They repaid her confession with death and I think it's grossly irresponsible that they executed a 10-year-old mentally ill girl and people all around the world are saying that it's OK.

Don't try and help the person, it's easier to eliminate the problem. Mentally ill people are not a problem and they are not an inconvenience to dispose of. I think the writers had a chance to bring the human element back to this show, to display that what makes us human will ultimately be why we survive. It was a massively missed opportunity to show that a person is more than the sum of their actions. Shortly after Lizzie's execution Carol admits killing two other people to Tyrese and he forgives her. He doesn't shoot her in the head. Lizzie deserved better and I'm so disappointed that she wasn't given the opportunity to heal.

Keep your eyes open

This morning my heart is heavy. Not in a way I've experienced before, but in a leaden way that makes it feel like there's no room for it in my chest. Like my ribs are just toothpicks that splinter with each breath. I feel fragile today.

I am waiting for news. News that will affect me in a profound way, but more importantly, news that will affect so many others. I'm not unwell and my family is fine too. But there is news to come nonetheless and I am on call like a junior doctor, and like her my confidence in myself has been shaken.

Last night I made a decision I'd been putting off for months. If you can't see it it's not real, right? I usually despise that attitude, but I allowed myself this double standard as I thought my ignorance was protecting me. Ignorance protects no one. It is a fragile membrane covering me that makes things on the outside foggy, but it is easily torn. I looked at images and heard testimony that both sickened and frightened me, and I'm used to seeing horrific images.

As a Jewish child we are shown scenes from the Holocaust by the time we can speak, before we know what it is that we're seeing. Bodies heaped upon other bodies, mass graves and gas trucks covered with the marks of humans desperate to get out inside. 'They tore each other to pieces' I was told. 'None of them had faces when the doors were open and I was in charge of pulling out the gold teeth from these faceless, brutalized heaps of flesh that were no longer human.' As a child I heard that 'mothers wrung the necks of their babies and children on the train platforms so they didn't have to get on board.' Of course that didn't make sense to me then, but hearing the same story told from a monitor hanging on the wall at 26-years-old I understood. It was an act of mercy to save the smallest from the worst fate imaginable.

What I watched last night was different, but it was still bodies. Bodies blown into bits, bodies who actually looked like pieces of meat that had been shot with a cannon. Bodies of children whose limbs had been scattered. Bodies of men who were fighting and surrendered but were then shot in the face. I couldn't look any more. I covered my eyes and continued to listen, but I couldn't see those images anymore and today I feel like a coward. I feel the dead deserve to be looked at. That to understand what really happened you need to keep your eyes open. But how can you do that and not feel like this today? How can people carry out these actions, these attacks on other humans and not feel like this today? Feel so much worse today? How are they able to walk and eat breakfast and love their children?

I will never know this and I will never understand this. And if I do I will worry for myself, but these things are happening and they are all around us. Every day I am thankful for what I have and for the fact that I feel safe when I walk alone. I stupidly don't feel fear. I have been conditioned to feel safe and that is dangerous. Like a cow who has been domesticated and is unaware it is being led to slaughter, I meander through countries and feel like what is happening to the people who live there is not happening to me. In Thailand when citizens are burning effigies and pouring their own blood on the steps of government buildings I arrive in my maxi dress and drink lemongrass cocktails. In Sri Lanka I sit amongst people who have had everything possible torn from them and I sing them Jessie J. In the Maldives while riots rage on the island of Male I catch a speedboat to another Island and stare out into the ocean thinking about how beautiful it all is. In Vietnam I burrow through the Cu Chie Tunnels and complain about how dirty I am afterwards.

I don't ever feel the danger and that is just fucking stupid of me. I will keep my eyes open and I promise that I will now be open to feeling the danger. That does not mean I will be afraid, but I will be smarter and I will be more respectful of the journey that is happening in all future countries I visit. I will be mindful of the fact that all of those people just want to feel like me, they just want to feel safe when walking alone.

Why this day is bullshit

Happy International Vagina Day, everyone. On this one day, us women-folk will be free from sexual assault, our wages will increase, no one will be looking to mutilate our genitals and for just this one day we are free to be educated. This list isn't true for all women for even one day. So what's there to celebrate?

What are these gender-specific celebratory dates really about? Is this a day that we're meant to be more appreciative of said gender? More aware that we all share the same planet? This day to me is more offensive than Valentine's Day. It's forced, it's ridiculous and it makes no difference to the day to day oppression of women across the globe. This day is to many, a reflection of women in their own societies and doesn't matter.

More than 125 million girls and women are victims of FGM (female genital mutilation) with Egypt, a fairly developed country committing this atrocity on 91% of its population. But this is not the most terrifying statistic. The statistic that makes me shiver is that in Egypt, just 35% of the female population thinks this should stop. (UNICEF) Now I'm no fan of MGM either. Whether or not to circumcise your baby is a very personal choice and for me, my religion states that I do it. However, I will say that the main difference to me is that MGM is nearly always performed when a baby is days old and the average age for FGM is fourteen. Fourteen years old, just starting to understand her genitalia and then large chunks of it are cut out often without anesthesia or clean tools. I wonder how valued these women are feeling today. I wonder how many of these procedures will be carried out today.

Of the 29 countries still carrying out FGM, 24 of them have active legislation regulating it and/or banning it. Yet in the next decade if the numbers stay the same that will be 30 million more women who have been butchered at the hands of their country. It is not a coincidence that in many of these 29 countries human rights records are notoriously bad and women are rarely allowed access to an education. In Chad for example only 10% of women have completed elementary school and in Chad 44% of its women have suffered FGM. (Argintar, 2013) Coincidence? No. Keeping women ignorant and brutalized is an exceptional way to make them feel worthless.What chance do these women have? Married off at a terribly young age with no prospects of their own, these women are as close to property as one can get without an actual deed.

This has to stop, and it's up to us privileged women of the world. We who have degrees and diplomas and fully functional vaginas to change it. While you are reflecting on all the important women in your life today reach out to them and ask them to help you make a difference. Whether through charity, advocacy or direct action let's do something today. We are the few and the privileged who have won the geographical lottery, so let's get to spending our winnings and make a difference where it matters. We are all women. So let's change the fact that this day really means nothing to so many.

And the award goes to...

It’s the day before my favourite night on television. A night I count down to almost as fervently as Christmas, and with twice as much anticipation. This night is filled with magical gowns and tears from speeches we all know have been well rehearsed. With congratulatory faces to the other nominees that prove these actors deserve their accolades. With jokes and flirting and did I mention beautiful gowns? It’s Oscar night!

Since I’ve lived in the UK (nearly 11 years) I haven’t really had the chance to enjoy this night. It begins at 11:30pm and always on a Sunday. It’s cruel, really. But that hasn’t tarnished my love and enthusiasm for the occasion in the slightest. Having trained as an actor in my youth, the Oscars have always been an aspirational place filled with aspirational little gold men I long to hold. More importantly this event is filled with full-grown men and women I long to hold. Meryl Streep, Sandra Bullock, Juliette Lewis and Matthew McConaghy (in his Magic Mike days. He’s too skinny to hold now I may hurt him). I love these actors, these people who can be anyone, even people with disturbingly inconsistent accents. Yes, I’m looking at you, Jennifer Lawrence.

I make a big deal out of seeing every Oscar film before the Oscars so I can weigh in like it matters. I Google the Golden Globes winners and watch the BAFTAs to see if I agree with their picks. I hardly ever do. It is with that inspiration that I’m writing this piece today. These are my picks. They probably won’t win, but they should. I’ve been surprised with how little myself and the various academies have disagreed this year. But let’s be honest, the only academy that actually counts is the Oscar Academy. And although the Golden Globes is usually a sure-fire indicator of who will be holding their own little gold man, I think and hope we may be surprised tonight.

Best Picture:

Who will win: 12 Years a Slave

Who should win: 12 Years a Slave

I agree with this one, although part of me really feels like Gravity deserves it as well. It was just a brilliant year for film, so it’s tough.

With 12 Years, it’s a British film, so already I have to love it. But despite its origin country, it is the most human of stories. The most torturous, brutal, emotive film I have seen in an incredibly long time. Not since Requiem for a Dream have I yelled in frustration at the cinema screen. The fact that this story is true, that so many men and women have these same atrocities as memories is a shameful stain on our history and I congratulate Steve McQueen and his unbelievable cast for having the courage and the talent to bring it to international screens. This film rightly deserves a place in history as it so beautifully brought our own horrible history back to haunt us in a way which has affected me, and most definitely many of you so deeply.

Best Actor:

Who will win: Matthew McConaghy

Who should win: Chiwetel Ejiofor

I know that historically dramatic weight loss has been a shoe-in for an Oscar win, but this year I think we need to make an exception.

While I think that what Matthew McConaghy and Jared Leto did to their bodies for Dallas Buyers Club is true dedication their craft, and shows a depth of character not matched by Christian Bale and his prosthetic belly, it should not determine the win. Not this year when Chiwetel Ejiofor is in the running. Solomon Northup deserves better. Yes, the actual man, but also the man who Chiwetel brought to life. That’s not to say that Ron Woodruff doesn’t deserve the same treatment. His story is inspirational in exceptional as well. I just feel that as a story, Solomon’s character was better explored and that Chiwetel took chances that McConaghy did not.

I’m going to be controversial here and say that McConaghy’s character was very similar to the one he played in Dazed and Confused and even a little bit in How to Lose a Guy in 10 days-Just a dickhead with a sexy accent. Except this time this dickhead is suffering with full blown AIDS in the 1980’s and trying to survive. Does he do an excellent job? Yes. Does he make you believe in his character? Yes. Does his weight loss make you incredibly uncomfortable at all times? Yes. But does his performance move you? Like really, really move you to cheer for him and to cry for him? No. Not for me which is why Chiwetel is my winner.

Best Actress:

Who will win: Cate Blanchette

Who should win: Sandra Bullock

I’m in the same predicament I was in the previous category. I loved both of the films these women were chosen from. I think Cate did a beautiful job playing the unravelling Jasmine. However, it takes one hell of an actress to be able to hold my attention on screen for nearly an hour and a half all by herself and Sandra does this with ease and with a believability I haven’t seen before.

Everyone remembers Castaway, and for the wrong reasons. Tom Hanks for nearly two hours. I nearly died from boredom. By an hour in I was making placards that read “Free Wilson”. The poor deflated volleyball deserved better. But Sandra Bullock is a different animal. A beautiful, vulnerable animal that is left out in fucking space. Just thinking about it now gives me anxiety.

Her performance was not big. It was not in your face and it was not your typical Oscar winning performance. But it was understated, it was real and it was so damn beautiful that my heart broke to pieces in my chest and was rebuilt twice over throughout the course of that film. Sandra truly deserves it.

Best Supporting Actor:

Who will win: Jared Leto

Who should win: Jonah Hill

The Wolf of Wallstreet was the first of the Oscar films I watched. After about 20 minutes I turned to Steve and said “Jonah Hill deserves a fucking Oscar.” After watching all of the contending films I still think this is true. Again, Jared Leto is stunning as Rayon and he too lost way too much weight for Dallas Buyers Club, but his character was also a bit one dimensional and his accent kept changing (my biggest pet hate). Now I’m sure it’s difficult to keep your accent consistent when all you’re thinking about is a meatball foot long from Subway, but really, to get my vote you gotta keep the accent unvarying. Every time his drawl lapsed I was snapped back into reality and remembered I wasn’t watching a real person. Movies aren’t supposed to do that. You should remain pleasantly fooled until the credits role and that’s what Jonah Hill did.

Hill’s Consistent accent, brilliant timing and great chemistry with DiCaprio means that he is still my choice for the Oscar. I think it’s a real shame that he won’t get it.

Best Supporting Actress:

Who will get it: Jennifer Lawrence

Who should get it: Anyone else (but mostly Lupita Nyong’o)

I’m probably going to get a lot of shit for this, but seriously, look at the nominees. Julia Roberts was blisteringly brilliant in AOC and I normally can’t stand her. She was vile and conniving and so damn believable as that character. Watching her and Meryl go toe to toe was my biggest pleasure of the whole Oscar season.

Then we have Sally Hawkins in Blue Jasmine who really allowed Cate Blanchette to be so great due to her generous nature as an actress. She never overpowers in a scene, but my eye always goes to her. I think she’s magic.

June Squibb was a cantankerous old housewife in Nebraska and played it with no warmth whatsoever which was such a pleasant surprise. Actresses of her age are always playing the sweet old dear, but not her. She brought to life one loathsome old mama and gave a great performance.

Finally there’s Lupita Nyong’o and she’s who really deserves this award in my opinion. How could her character not move you in 12 Years? At the end of that film all I kept thinking to myself is “what will become of Patsy?” She delivers a performance with such fierceness that although I loved Solomon as well; I hated him for not going back for her. If Jennifer Lawrence wins over this incredible new talent it will be shame on the Academy.

I like Jennifer Lawrence just fine. She can play Katniss and win Oscars when the other contenders are shit, but this year they are not. It will be like Julia Roberts winning over Ellen Bernstein in 2000, a travesty in the truest sense of the word.

Best Animated Film

Who will win: Frozen

Who should win: Frozen

“Let it go! Let it goooooo!” If you are still not hearing this song in your head months after you’ve seen the film you are dead inside. This was such a triumph for Disney. Their 2^nd film in a row where a beautiful princess does not need saving by a handsome prince. And though I’m still annoyed that they’ve sexed up Merida, I loved Frozen.

A story of sisters and of the love between them made such a nice change and Olaf as the heat-loving snowman totally melted my heart (I know).  Although Despicable Me 2 was hilarious and sweet and The Croods was cute. You just can’t compete with Disney.

So what do you think? Do you agree or not? Do you care? Do you want to punch me in the face for a variety of reasons? Tell me what your picks are and we’ll see who’s right later tonight. To all of you who can watch the Oscars at their normal family-friendly time I hate and envy you. I’ll be propping up my lids with toothpicks to get a glimpse at the gowns before promptly passing out and reading the list of winners in the morning on Yahoo.